As I continue my journey…

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2012, 2013, adoption, Behavior, being present, divorce, happiness, Happy New Year, intention, life path, mental-health, mindfulness, New Year's Resolutions, NewYear, positivity, reflection, Resolutions

It’s 2013. By about twelve hours in my part of the world.

I spend a good deal of time reflecting on my past decisions and behaviors, and the consequences of them, and as 2012 came to a close, I found that I had actually looked back as much as I needed to and know what I want going forward.

Every day I take a few moments to close my eyes and set my intention. Sometimes I “wish” that I will find the solutions to some nagging worry in my heart–even though I know that the solutions are all within me–and I feel better. It keeps me present. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from making the same mistakes I’ve been cycling through this life’s repertoire the last decade or so.

2012 was a rather tense year for me. It held heartache and rejection and major life changes (new job, adoption, divorce). But through it all, I actually felt more at peace with my decisions, and happier than I think I’ve ever felt.

I turned 30 years old in 2012, and I finally (mostly) feel grown up. I’ve learned how to cope with stresses and hurts without engaging in damaging behavior. I still get all of the old urges to act in all of the old ways, but being in constant analysis-mode I am able to *recognize* the urges for exactly what they are and keep myself from regressing. Granted, sometimes I just WANT to act out. I just WANT to find something or someone to validate me and make me feel wanted and cared for–even for just a few minutes. But I know that it only hurts me more in the long-run, and getting hung up on the sort of people who “meet that need” isn’t what I need for myself or for my children.

Every decision I have made this past year has been in the pursuit of happiness. Sometimes to get to a good place you have to wade through all of the muck that has been holding you down, and it has definitely been a process. I get scared that I will fall back to my old ways, or that I will settle for less than I want and deserve because I will *always* want to be wanted and loved. But I am ever mindful, and wholly determined to get things right this time.

I don’t feel the need to set any resolutions for 2013. I know what I want to accomplish and where I want to go, and I’m already on my path. And when I close my eyes each day I remind myself of that, and if needed I give my self a gentle nudge (or a big shake of the head) and bring myself back to the present.

Right now is pretty great.

“Pain” – Hug Nation October 2, 2012

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anti-depressants, depression, epiphany, Halcyon, HugNation, medication, mental-health, pain, story, synchroncity

Synchronicity, as always, with Halcyon. He talked about emotional pain, depression, and his epiphany about changing his mental outlook.

Press play. Listen to all 38 minutes–it’s worth it.

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attitude, past, positivity, present

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happiness, healthy-living, mental-health, self-worth

There’s no need to be in it to “win” it. Be in it to do better, feel better, to stretch your self-imposed limitations–that’s more than enough.

Choosing a Positive Life

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attitude, co-dependency, codependency, depression, happiness, loneliness, love, mental-health, peace, relationships, self-help, self-worth, sex-addiction

Focusing on the positive in our lives truly does make us more positive.

When you’re depressed, however, this sounds like the biggest load of shit. It’s like being told to punch a pillow or go for a run. And today I discovered that, for some, it is like being told that you are depressed because you are too negative.

As someone who was practically born depressed, I would never suggest that being depressed is someone’s fault, or that if they brought it upon themselves.

But as someone who has learned to (mostly) effectively deal with and manage her depression, I know what has worked for me and want to be able to help others.

I spent most of my life looking to other people to make me feel better. For someone to validate me, make me feel valued, special, beautiful. I needed someone else to love me and fill the infinite void my depression and loneliness created. So much of my self-worth was pushed onto those around me that loving me became a huge responsibility. And if someone let me down (someone will *always* let you down–it’s the curse of having expectations) I would fall into an even darker nothingness. I felt alone, misunderstood, worthless, and like no one appreciated me because they didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved.

I believed that I was defective. And that I needed too much. And that I would forever be unfulfilled.

Over the last year I have been through many ups and downs. My old buddies, self-injury, sex addiction, co-dependency, and self-deception made more than a few appearances.

But I feel that I have truly come out on the other side stronger, more self-assured, and closer to being whole than I have ever been in my thirty years in this body. Even through the tumultuousness, through the life-altering decisions, through the good, the bad, and the frustrating–I feel at peace. I feel confident and whole in who I am.

When I finally made the decision to choose my happiness, to be the author of my very next moment, I changed as a person. I no longer faced an identity crisis or a lack of self-worth. Old habits (especially thinking/believing habits) are very hard to break, and I will openly admit that I have stumbled and relapsed and had to find my way back to my path. But having these tools–knowing the power that I possess to create and radiate positivity–has made it infinitely easier to pick myself back up, correct thinking errors, and keep moving forward.

For me it began with my “epiphany” moment last autumn, but it requires constant maintenance and actively choosing to focus on what is good in my life. If life is too depressing, finding what is good today. And if I’m having a hard day, finding what is good in this moment, or five minutes ago, and really allowing myself to love and appreciate it. As life moves forward, as it always does, this becomes second-nature (for the most part), but I still have to keep putting in the work. And I find peace in knowing that having a bad afternoon or day does not mean that tomorrow has to be bad, and it certainly doesn’t mean that LIFE is bad or that I am bad.

I see and feel the difference in myself, but I also recognize it in the relationships that I form and the interactions I have with others. Positive attracts positive. Attitudes are contagious. And once you find a way to be good with yourself, you will attract good people to you and your life will be that much brighter for it.