And sometimes I felt cruel, numbly stating words
2012, 2013, adoption, Behavior, being present, divorce, happiness, Happy New Year, intention, life path, mental-health, mindfulness, New Year's Resolutions, NewYear, positivity, reflection, Resolutions
It’s 2013. By about twelve hours in my part of the world.
I spend a good deal of time reflecting on my past decisions and behaviors, and the consequences of them, and as 2012 came to a close, I found that I had actually looked back as much as I needed to and know what I want going forward.
Every day I take a few moments to close my eyes and set my intention. Sometimes I “wish” that I will find the solutions to some nagging worry in my heart–even though I know that the solutions are all within me–and I feel better. It keeps me present. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from making the same mistakes I’ve been cycling through this life’s repertoire the last decade or so.
2012 was a rather tense year for me. It held heartache and rejection and major life changes (new job, adoption, divorce). But through it all, I actually felt more at peace with my decisions, and happier than I think I’ve ever felt.
I turned 30 years old in 2012, and I finally (mostly) feel grown up. I’ve learned how to cope with stresses and hurts without engaging in damaging behavior. I still get all of the old urges to act in all of the old ways, but being in constant analysis-mode I am able to *recognize* the urges for exactly what they are and keep myself from regressing. Granted, sometimes I just WANT to act out. I just WANT to find something or someone to validate me and make me feel wanted and cared for–even for just a few minutes. But I know that it only hurts me more in the long-run, and getting hung up on the sort of people who “meet that need” isn’t what I need for myself or for my children.
Every decision I have made this past year has been in the pursuit of happiness. Sometimes to get to a good place you have to wade through all of the muck that has been holding you down, and it has definitely been a process. I get scared that I will fall back to my old ways, or that I will settle for less than I want and deserve because I will *always* want to be wanted and loved. But I am ever mindful, and wholly determined to get things right this time.
I don’t feel the need to set any resolutions for 2013. I know what I want to accomplish and where I want to go, and I’m already on my path. And when I close my eyes each day I remind myself of that, and if needed I give my self a gentle nudge (or a big shake of the head) and bring myself back to the present.
Right now is pretty great.
Synchronicity, as always, with Halcyon. He talked about emotional pain, depression, and his epiphany about changing his mental outlook.
Press play. Listen to all 38 minutes–it’s worth it.