2012, 2013, adoption, Behavior, being present, divorce, happiness, Happy New Year, intention, life path, mental-health, mindfulness, New Year's Resolutions, NewYear, positivity, reflection, Resolutions
It’s 2013. By about twelve hours in my part of the world.
I spend a good deal of time reflecting on my past decisions and behaviors, and the consequences of them, and as 2012 came to a close, I found that I had actually looked back as much as I needed to and know what I want going forward.
Every day I take a few moments to close my eyes and set my intention. Sometimes I “wish” that I will find the solutions to some nagging worry in my heart–even though I know that the solutions are all within me–and I feel better. It keeps me present. Keeps me grounded. Keeps me from making the same mistakes I’ve been cycling through this life’s repertoire the last decade or so.
2012 was a rather tense year for me. It held heartache and rejection and major life changes (new job, adoption, divorce). But through it all, I actually felt more at peace with my decisions, and happier than I think I’ve ever felt.
I turned 30 years old in 2012, and I finally (mostly) feel grown up. I’ve learned how to cope with stresses and hurts without engaging in damaging behavior. I still get all of the old urges to act in all of the old ways, but being in constant analysis-mode I am able to *recognize* the urges for exactly what they are and keep myself from regressing. Granted, sometimes I just WANT to act out. I just WANT to find something or someone to validate me and make me feel wanted and cared for–even for just a few minutes. But I know that it only hurts me more in the long-run, and getting hung up on the sort of people who “meet that need” isn’t what I need for myself or for my children.
Every decision I have made this past year has been in the pursuit of happiness. Sometimes to get to a good place you have to wade through all of the muck that has been holding you down, and it has definitely been a process. I get scared that I will fall back to my old ways, or that I will settle for less than I want and deserve because I will *always* want to be wanted and loved. But I am ever mindful, and wholly determined to get things right this time.
I don’t feel the need to set any resolutions for 2013. I know what I want to accomplish and where I want to go, and I’m already on my path. And when I close my eyes each day I remind myself of that, and if needed I give my self a gentle nudge (or a big shake of the head) and bring myself back to the present.
Right now is pretty great.